"You Cannot Protect Yourself from Sadness Without Protecting Yourself from Happiness" - Jonathan Safran Foer
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy." - Jim Rohn
Foer’s novel Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, suggests that experiencing the fullness of life, including both joy and sorrow, is an unavoidable and essential part of every human experience and that attempting to shield yourself from possible unhappiness also means closing off the chances of experiencing deep happiness and joy. It advocates for the acceptance of all emotions because opening yourself up for sadness as well as happiness is the key for a richer, more complete life.
Something no one is born with is emotional resilience. Babies are born with needs (not wants) for food, warmth, compassionate care that they express, usually by crying. New mothers quickly learn to differentiate their babies cries so they can respond appropriately to ease the distress of their children. Mothers are good at this because we are hormonally programmed during pregnancy to respond to babies. Without maternal care (or at least one other adult who is committed to a baby’s welfare), babies die. But caring for their babies is advantageous to mothers too. From an evolutionary perspective, if a baby dies, the physiological cost to females of pregnancy has been wasted.
I wrote here about what happens to children whose mothers cannot provide the sort of emotional support that babies yearn for:
A crucial parental task is modeling and fostering behaviors and resilience in real time in an effort to help children become successful adults. Everyone wants their children to “be happy” and this is best achieved when they are helped to fit into the community they will be living in as they approach adulthood.
According to this source,
Resilience is the ability to adapt, cope, and recover from difficult situations. It occurs through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to both external and internal demands.
Failure to do so spells disaster. For instance, the test of an ancient civilization’s success was its ability to adapt to changing circumstances and those societies who failed died out.
One of the “difficult situations” of parenting now is the hypersexualization of well, everything
That we live in a sexualized society should be news to no one. Sex has always been used to sell everything, and specifically women’s sexuality. Entire industries have been built on bikini clad women selling (fill in the blank) to men (whose brains are being treated to a hormonal high) and to women (who wish they looked like those airbrushed women).
Now not even babies can escape. Look online for “sexy baby clothes” and you will find no shortage of choices including onesies that proclaim:
and
Ha, ha, how hilarious.
And even if you don’t believe any harm is being done by putting babies who can’t read into clothing with sayings that they can’t understand, you need to appreciate that you are also setting the tone for how others see and treat your child going forward.
A long running American TV show was called Toddlers and Tiaras, which featured children (well actually mainly just girls) as young as two years old competing in pageants that had them parading on stage, not as their natural selves, but as sexed up versions of adult women. Complete with padded bras and butts, not to mention extensive use of makeup and hair extensions. And using stripper poles as props, complete with garters that had money stuffed in them.
As this author states about the sexualization of young girls:
Popular culture sends its unhealthy messages loudly and persistently, drowning out other healthier messages (e.g., from parents) that might be trying to get through. When children are exposed to these messages enough, they can’t help but internalize them and make them their own. And, sadly, these unhealthy messages shape the values, attitudes, and beliefs they come to hold about themselves and the world. It’s not hard to see, then, how early exposure to sexuality can set girls on an unhealthy life path.
Examples of what might constitute “an unhealthy life path” include:
· A person’s value comes only from his or her appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics.
· A person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy.
· A person is made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
· Sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person. (This is especially relevant when children are imbued with adult sexuality.)
This article examines the sale of clothing like padded push-up string bikini tops and thongs/g strings for girls aimed at girls aged 7-14 and found that:
Many people think that these products work to push girls to grow up too fast, but it’s more insidious than that. These products teach young women that ‘sexy’ is a look, not a feeling. From a very young age, our society teaches girls that it is important to look a specific way in order to attract the male gaze. Sexy is about how others view them, not how they feel or what they want. Girls are being sent a message that their role in a sexual relationship is that of an object of desire, not an equal partner.
Another component that serves neither girls nor boys well is the sexual harassment of girls by boys. Encouraging passivity and objectification in girls and aggressiveness and dominance in boys leads to a tolerance for behavior that goes largely unremarked on; sexual harassment is normalized in most cultures. “Boys will be boys” and the ubiquity of unending amounts of freely available pornography accessible to anyone who can tap a screen has not been beneficial for girls on the cusp of womanhood. And boys don’t benefit either from learning ‘how to be a man’ from porn.
If you can’t beat them, join them!
No wonder that increasing numbers of young girls facing puberty with their emerging breasts and changing body shapes that elicit leers and unwanted attention from grown men and unfunny commentary from boys who used to be their friends prompts them to desperately search for other options, which include deciding that if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and state that they are “really a boy”.
Looked at from this angle, it makes perfect sense.
Gender dysphoria is a maladaptive coping strategy for dealing with the subjective experience of puberty, which can feel overwhelming, particularly for girls. Another increasingly common illness that serves the same purpose (avoiding the bodily changes of adolescence) is anorexia.
Anorexia is recognized and treated for what it is; a harmful and debilitating mental illness that if left unchecked, is fatal. Believing that you are born in the wrong body is today celebrated even though the end result can be the same, at best a mutilated and dysfunctional body and as the story of this young woman with complex mental health needs that were never addressed explains, all the “gender affirming care” that was substituted for real support was the cause of her untimely death.
All of this has been a way to point out that parents who encourage and or advocate for their female children to live as boys are complicit in stunting their full participation as future women.
If as an adult you are cementing in the (nearly always temporary) confusion and distress that girls can experience during puberty (or even at the prospect of puberty), you are preventing them from experiencing the magnificent highs that can ensue from embracing being a woman, including a pleasurable sex life and the prospect of motherhood.
I wrote here about what happens to children whose parents support their children’s delusional thinking about how to ‘escape’ from their programmed future as women and men.
And here about the price young women pay in a fruitless effort to be ‘one of the boys’ standing in front of a urinal.
There is no resilience being modeled or taught to children by parents who cave into “affirming” their children into a reality that they can never realize. True happiness comes from dealing with and embracing what you have, not a desire that can never be realized.
We cannot choose or change our sex. Lying to children and pretending that this is a possibility creates damaged female bodies, not men of any sort at all.
It's so sad the toll sex takes on a lot of people's lives, especially males. Without that constant goad what kind of people might they have been - i wonder? Reading some comments by men: one man says one of the best rewards he's had because of getting older is that he's no longer constantly prodded by sexual urges and it's cleared his mind for other issues. Another man said when he was younger at work, he'd go out from his office to lunch and often have a sexual encounter before returning to work. When I expressed disbelief, he said, Oh You'd be surprised." Then I realized, of course; all over the country, in most cities, there are "cruising" areas where men can go to have anonymous sex with numerous other men. There's nothing similar for women. And then there's the "bathhouses" where men can have dozens of sexual hookups in a single evening. One large cruising area near S.F. a beautiful reservation, has one section referred to by its denizens as "Slut Alley" another part is called "B*tch Walk," (The choice of names shows a contempt for women and at the same time a parasitical appropriation of women's identity.) When you think about this you have to conclude that male sexuality is very different than 95% of women's. I don't think we women really fully understand the consequences of this as lived out in every day life. Yes, when we're at a mating age women are often preoccupied with finding the partner they desire, but the pursuit is acted out in a different, more careful and circumspect way. Porn, prostitution, rape, sexual assault, pedophilia are all driven by biological urges fueled by hormones. We all have to deal with it. We can either give in or channel and control our impulses. All credit to those who do.
Lucy, I think this paragraph is so important, and I want to highlight it,
"If as an adult you are cementing in the (nearly always temporary) confusion and distress that girls can experience during puberty (or even at the prospect of puberty), you are preventing them from experiencing the magnificent highs that can ensue from embracing being a woman, including a pleasurable sex life and the prospect of motherhood."
Sadly, we cannot 'play nice' or stay neutral without indirectly supporting practices that will affect the health of children and mothers. Sometimes the only nice thing to do is to speak up for the most vulnerable. Thank you for your voice!