I’m so glad you are calling out this male-centric perspective and the sabotage of breastfeeding that’s going on here. The way that studies like these are approaching women’s experiences postpartum are NOT THE WAY. I do think that women straight-up not wanting to have sex (after the bleeding and swelling is gone of course!!) is a problem though. Not a problem with their bodies - postpartum is a stage in the life cycle of a woman, and there is nothing pathological about it. But I do think the ideal in a marriage is that both people are basically always down for that unity with each other - in an existential sense, not necessarily that their libido is raging and they physically want to jump their partner.
When things in life and with the body shift, so does sex - and I think those shifts are important for the relationship, and a reason to give special attention to the sexual relationship, not neglect it. What if the massive life change and addition of responsibility that a woman feels postpartum means she needs her husband to level up in showing her his trust and care to let her know he’s with her and supporting her 100%? What if he can show her this powerfully by taking extra time and care to make sure she is totally unwound and aroused so that it isn’t painful for her? What if vaginal dryness isn’t so much a physical reality as a physiological response to this life stage and a call for more sensitive care and attunement in the relationship?
Sexual desire is mostly not physical - it’s a whole-being phenomenon. I venture to say that it actually BEGINS in the existential context of the relationship overall. So if a woman is hesitant postpartum, I would think it’s something that needs to be explored with sensitivity. It’s an opportunity for greater vulnerability. I have found that the intimacy and connection that come with sex, despite any difficulties specific to postpartum, render every other aspect of the postpartum period more easeful, meaningful, and connected. The baby came from sex - I just think it’s strange for it to be dropped from the picture once the baby is here.
Does this make sense? Curious as to your thoughts. Love your work!!!
Oh, I absolutely agree with you here! Men and women are wired differently for sex and for sexual desire and I think the real key is communication, because a lot of unhappiness in relationships stems from each partner talking to themselves rather than to each other.
Plus, this is one of those times where you really do not know how you are going to feel until you are in the thick of it. I have worked with women during pregnancy who are convinced that x, y, and z are going to be the plan post birth, only to find that once their real, actual baby is in their arms there is no way they can follow through without a lot of unease.
I think that women are often surprised and overwhelmed at the level of intimacy they feel when caring for their babies and men who can't handle this or are feeling left out or jealous sometimes don't behave as well as they could, which can also be damaging for relationships. The fact that babies only need their mothers until they are a bit older is also difficult for some men to process.
The relationships that go on to flourish are those where men realize their importance is vested in safeguarding and nurturing the mother/baby dyad so that women can concentrate on the most vulnerable member of their family for a time. This is a vital role for men to play that bears dividends for the entire family.
I think your article should be handed to every female, and male, who walks into the labour ward. I would very much have appreciated it many years ago when I was led to believe that I had to be all things to everyone else's needs rather than looking after me.
Parents in law arrived from overseas and we were all in a tiny flat for 5 weeks (!) no paternity leave, and my mum had died 18 months earlier (she'd have set the rules that I didn't have the abilty to set for myself). Great article. Thank you.
My heart went out to you when I read about your situation following your birth. Our mothers remain so important to us and are irreplaceable. Even the kindest, nicest mother-in-law is no substitute for one's own Mum.
This study regards women as a sexual resource for their partners above everything else. May I suggest its authors are not mothers? As you have so said Lucy, women can have ideas before they become mothers that are completely unworkable once they have a baby. That is because we live in a world focussed almost exclusively on male needs, desires and thoughts, and women are educated in that too. It isn’t until you have to deal with the material reality of either female sickness, trauma, or a baby that you start to think differently.
Mothers are the foundation of the entire animal kingdom. All the rest is bluster and hot air. Men really aren’t very important in the grand scheme of life, and we are having to deal with their underlying realisation of that with our oppression and their violence over the entire human world.
Did you hear about the research they were conducting into developing a "female Viagra"? Hilarious, if you ask me! A very silly attempt at getting laid while skipping cooking dinner for your female partner—perhaps sharing a glass of wine, soft romantic music and lights, curious questions about her day and her dreams, good listening skills, a foot massage, and doing the dishes afterward. Is a pill gonna do all that!? Hahaha!
Ha, ha, ha indeed! The attempts at creating a pill that would have women gagging for more sex are all the proof needed to show that many men don't get it.
Foreplay for most women starts with men routinely picking up a share of the domestic load naturally and making women feel cherished and respected, not half an hour of heavy petting before he takes off his boxers.
I really truly don’t understand the contemporary push to make women - especially mothers of young children - feel bad about all the sex they aren’t having. Like we’re broken prudes. Like our marriages our failing. I had a friend *without* children tell me she was worried her and her partner were now only have sex once a week and she asked me what I thought about it…. If she should be having more sex?! I laughed and said that sounds fine to me (I had an under 1) I neglected to tell her I was having sex about once every 3 months because I was guilty about it. Not only that it was far more because I felt like my husband deserved some love and care more than any desire for me to get off. My kid is nearly 4 and I still don’t have the sex drive I had pre-child and every where I look are advice columns and op Ed’s about why I should be banging my husband so much more than I am. I’m so tired and overstimulated and touched out all the time it’s ridiculous.
Is there any useful information in the Conflicts of Interest statement (if the article has one)? The approach seems straight out of the playbook of Big Pharma.
"The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest."
Thanks for sharing. In other journals, each author declares every relationship with a commercial entity and its type (speaker fees, financial support, grants, board membership, etc) i.e. full transparency, leaving it up to the reader to make their own mind up.
The COI statement you provide seems like a cop-out to me.
They also claim to have had no financial incentives or support but when most of the authors employed by American universities/medical schools, that kind of says it all really.
Good Lord, can there possibly be a more male-based view of the female body?? That's just insane!
Perhaps not, but I'm sure there's a team somewhere in academia hard at work on it.
I’m so glad you are calling out this male-centric perspective and the sabotage of breastfeeding that’s going on here. The way that studies like these are approaching women’s experiences postpartum are NOT THE WAY. I do think that women straight-up not wanting to have sex (after the bleeding and swelling is gone of course!!) is a problem though. Not a problem with their bodies - postpartum is a stage in the life cycle of a woman, and there is nothing pathological about it. But I do think the ideal in a marriage is that both people are basically always down for that unity with each other - in an existential sense, not necessarily that their libido is raging and they physically want to jump their partner.
When things in life and with the body shift, so does sex - and I think those shifts are important for the relationship, and a reason to give special attention to the sexual relationship, not neglect it. What if the massive life change and addition of responsibility that a woman feels postpartum means she needs her husband to level up in showing her his trust and care to let her know he’s with her and supporting her 100%? What if he can show her this powerfully by taking extra time and care to make sure she is totally unwound and aroused so that it isn’t painful for her? What if vaginal dryness isn’t so much a physical reality as a physiological response to this life stage and a call for more sensitive care and attunement in the relationship?
Sexual desire is mostly not physical - it’s a whole-being phenomenon. I venture to say that it actually BEGINS in the existential context of the relationship overall. So if a woman is hesitant postpartum, I would think it’s something that needs to be explored with sensitivity. It’s an opportunity for greater vulnerability. I have found that the intimacy and connection that come with sex, despite any difficulties specific to postpartum, render every other aspect of the postpartum period more easeful, meaningful, and connected. The baby came from sex - I just think it’s strange for it to be dropped from the picture once the baby is here.
Does this make sense? Curious as to your thoughts. Love your work!!!
Oh, I absolutely agree with you here! Men and women are wired differently for sex and for sexual desire and I think the real key is communication, because a lot of unhappiness in relationships stems from each partner talking to themselves rather than to each other.
Plus, this is one of those times where you really do not know how you are going to feel until you are in the thick of it. I have worked with women during pregnancy who are convinced that x, y, and z are going to be the plan post birth, only to find that once their real, actual baby is in their arms there is no way they can follow through without a lot of unease.
I think that women are often surprised and overwhelmed at the level of intimacy they feel when caring for their babies and men who can't handle this or are feeling left out or jealous sometimes don't behave as well as they could, which can also be damaging for relationships. The fact that babies only need their mothers until they are a bit older is also difficult for some men to process.
The relationships that go on to flourish are those where men realize their importance is vested in safeguarding and nurturing the mother/baby dyad so that women can concentrate on the most vulnerable member of their family for a time. This is a vital role for men to play that bears dividends for the entire family.
I think your article should be handed to every female, and male, who walks into the labour ward. I would very much have appreciated it many years ago when I was led to believe that I had to be all things to everyone else's needs rather than looking after me.
Parents in law arrived from overseas and we were all in a tiny flat for 5 weeks (!) no paternity leave, and my mum had died 18 months earlier (she'd have set the rules that I didn't have the abilty to set for myself). Great article. Thank you.
My heart went out to you when I read about your situation following your birth. Our mothers remain so important to us and are irreplaceable. Even the kindest, nicest mother-in-law is no substitute for one's own Mum.
This study regards women as a sexual resource for their partners above everything else. May I suggest its authors are not mothers? As you have so said Lucy, women can have ideas before they become mothers that are completely unworkable once they have a baby. That is because we live in a world focussed almost exclusively on male needs, desires and thoughts, and women are educated in that too. It isn’t until you have to deal with the material reality of either female sickness, trauma, or a baby that you start to think differently.
Mothers are the foundation of the entire animal kingdom. All the rest is bluster and hot air. Men really aren’t very important in the grand scheme of life, and we are having to deal with their underlying realisation of that with our oppression and their violence over the entire human world.
That is one maddening 'study.'
All things need fixing in the the eyes of scientism masters. Nature is to be conquered and $$ made.
Brilliantly put, Lucy!
Did you hear about the research they were conducting into developing a "female Viagra"? Hilarious, if you ask me! A very silly attempt at getting laid while skipping cooking dinner for your female partner—perhaps sharing a glass of wine, soft romantic music and lights, curious questions about her day and her dreams, good listening skills, a foot massage, and doing the dishes afterward. Is a pill gonna do all that!? Hahaha!
Ha, ha, ha indeed! The attempts at creating a pill that would have women gagging for more sex are all the proof needed to show that many men don't get it.
Foreplay for most women starts with men routinely picking up a share of the domestic load naturally and making women feel cherished and respected, not half an hour of heavy petting before he takes off his boxers.
I really truly don’t understand the contemporary push to make women - especially mothers of young children - feel bad about all the sex they aren’t having. Like we’re broken prudes. Like our marriages our failing. I had a friend *without* children tell me she was worried her and her partner were now only have sex once a week and she asked me what I thought about it…. If she should be having more sex?! I laughed and said that sounds fine to me (I had an under 1) I neglected to tell her I was having sex about once every 3 months because I was guilty about it. Not only that it was far more because I felt like my husband deserved some love and care more than any desire for me to get off. My kid is nearly 4 and I still don’t have the sex drive I had pre-child and every where I look are advice columns and op Ed’s about why I should be banging my husband so much more than I am. I’m so tired and overstimulated and touched out all the time it’s ridiculous.
This is so sad. From my own experience, men are jealous of the attention their new baby gets. This is just another aspect of that same jealousy
Is there any useful information in the Conflicts of Interest statement (if the article has one)? The approach seems straight out of the playbook of Big Pharma.
"The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest."
Thanks for sharing. In other journals, each author declares every relationship with a commercial entity and its type (speaker fees, financial support, grants, board membership, etc) i.e. full transparency, leaving it up to the reader to make their own mind up.
The COI statement you provide seems like a cop-out to me.
They also claim to have had no financial incentives or support but when most of the authors employed by American universities/medical schools, that kind of says it all really.